ffeebs

i've decided i need a change. so i'm moving away from this blog.

you'll find me when you find me.
ciao.

because of the unfortunate "fall from grace" last friday, i missed:
1) the 3rd/4th placing netball match,
2) happy bonzai outing,
3) christmas party at leigh's,
4) spending christmas eve and christmas day outside,
5) FHM outing with cheez,
6) dim sum with fangsy and weiming,

and i am going to miss:
1) countdown to the new year,
2) sending may off at the airport
and a whole truckload of other events.

a terrible start to a new year, i might say. besides drowning in envy as people start leaving for their exchange(lucky shits), writhing in pain as i leaf through the SALES ads in the papers, dying from boredom from online shopping/too much tv (i can't believe i said too much tv), reeling from stunningly atrocious exam results, i have been dreaming of running around places. some nights i go to sleep, praying that some miracle takes place and i will wake up and find myself completely healed.

10 days is too long for someone without patience of any sort. being imprisoned at home drives me crazy. out of desperation, i succumbed and went to the sinseh and practically wailed when he stuck the needles into my ankle and connected it to the electric current. what is more incredulous about this was that i actually believed him and went for the 2nd treatment.

sinseh, if you insist you're such a good doctor, why can't i walk yet, you quack!

到底是在找回感覺還是拖延時間？

the days roll by, like waves crashing after one another. i can't really differentiate my mondays from my tuesdays, and my tuesdays from my wednesdays and so on...you get the drift. no more insane insomniac days. instead, they turn into days of waiting.

waiting for what? i don't know. it just feels like something's gonna happen soon. and with the imminent departure of many who're going on exchange, and the impending doom, that is, another school term ahead, nothing can be more depressing.

i think i should start cleaning up my room in hall. the thought of dust balls forming everywhere is freaking me out.

"One day, i woke up and realized i didn't need you anymore. Not now, nor in the future."


When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering: was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not...
'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
But she can't...
'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

- john mayer, dreaming with a broken heart

i am officially a high level insomniac.

i'd barely closed my eyes for a few minutes, wondering why i still can't get to sleep, and suddenly when i open my eyes, it is daybreak. light streams through the curtains, the rest of the household begins to awake from their slumber, clambering up to the start of their day while i am waiting for mine to end.

i am buried under the quilt, with only my eyes exposed, feeling totally drained. i look at the clock. it's 6:58am, feebs.
my eyes hurt. my head is spinning.

he comes into the room, "hey, you're up early."
i say, "no, i've been up all this while."

it is now 7:03am.
and i am still wondering when i'll finally get a bit of shut-eye before meeting may and boey in less than 5 hours.

i think i'm going crazy. almost everyone has ended their exams (ok, sorry NUS peeps) and here i am moping about the last paper next weds.
so instead of channeling my energy to make sure i pass bahasa melayu, i have done a lot of damage in other areas:

a) trying to make my dog look like a diva, which is increasingly impossible,
b) making up lists of things to buy,
c) calling up starhub to cancel the cartoon channels, only to replace them with MORE of other channels,
d) getting TING YI to talk to me, and
e) clawing at cute doggie costumes online

(pictures courtesy of dogzmart.com)

in response to this, TING YI said,
him: oh man. don't lah. i don't think she likes that.
me: but it's cute
him: tsk, how can you like that? just think about it. i'm sure if you had a daughter she would looked cute in that too. but would you have let her wore that?
me: looks quite exciting
him: phoebe. imagine you wearing that. we would have thought that you looked cute.

see what a friend i have?

and our dog makes a wonderful statue. no matter what i do, she doesn't move a whisker.


i've tried staring,


kissing,


and growling, but


to no avail.

sigh.

i am feeling extremely disgruntled now.



i am so broke that i can't go for a haircut to chop off my mane, while this dog here can afford to go for one. ugh.


and she has no qualms about it.
the injustice of it.

a few years ago...
dad: i need to go to gardenia.
mom: what is gardenia?
dad: that one over there lah. only gardenia got nil.
mom: what is nil?
a few minutes later...
dad (takes out shampoo from bag): this one lor.
me: omg, it's NERIL. and it's GUARDIAN, not gardenia!

later,
dad: xiaomei wants to buy toy from toy la lut.
mom: what is toy la lut?
dad (points to newspaper): this one lah.
newspapers read "TOYS 'R' US"

earlier on,
mom: snoooopy! snoooopy!
dad: why you keep calling her snoopy, it's scooby.
mom: it's snoopy what.
dad: it's scooby, you ask ah boy.
mom: what is it?
brother: erm, snoopy?

after all these years, dad is still struggling with names. sigh.

Quiet Time

'God is fine for
people who need a crutch,'
say those who have never
known His touch.
But I can tell them -
perhaps you can too -
that what God mends
becomes brand new.
No need to limp
or be propped up
when Light and Life
have filled our cup.
Christ came to throw
earth's crutches away,
and what He heals
is whole to stay.
Listen. Where His grace
remains the longest
will be the place
we are the strongest.

Susan Lenzkes